As I sat here drinking my coffee this morning, I began reflecting on my life as it stands today.   So much has happened; so much has changed.   If someone had told me 5 years ago that I’d experience all that has transpired in such a short time, I’m pretty sure I’d have told them to have their head checked.  It’s funny how when you’re in the midst of it all, the turmoil and stress keeps you preoccupied.  It isn’t until the storm passes, and you are in the quiet aftermath, that you realize you’ve landed….and you’re not in Kansas anymore.  To be honest, I haven’t yet quite figured out where I am.  Things are still evolving; I realize I still have some miles left on this journey.

I’ve wanted to start this blog for what feels like an eternity.  Trying to come up with the perfect ‘first post’ left me unsure of where to begin.  Then, I realized this morning that something had shifted.  I felt a change in me and it was time.  I am finally becoming unafraid.  I am accepting that I am who I am; no longer worried about what others might say or think.  Not in an “I don’t care” way, but in one that felt positive, empowering. I have heard from some of my Facebook followers that I help them feel understood.  That in whatever little corner of the world they live in, there is someone else out there who “gets it”.   I have finally let go of trying to be a ‘perfect’ person.  The perfect mother, sister, wife/girlfriend, daughter.  As much as I may try, I can’t.  And, the truth is…I don’t want perfection.  It’s an exhausting place to live.

 So, here it is.  There’s nothing like just jumping in, both feet at once.  As a kid growing up on a large lake, I wasn’t one to dip my toe into the water.  I always dove right in, head first. Sometimes that’s a good thing.  Other times it’s gotten me into trouble.  But, I’ve finally learned to embrace who I am and accept myself for all my quirks, shortcomings, and the good qualities too.  It took 49 years, and a lot of heartache, but here I am.

The shift began when I first realized something was going on with my health in Fall 2015 and cancer was a possibility.  Up until that point, I thought my life was headed in a certain direction; the path laid out and I had the road map.  It wasn’t until I got the confirmed diagnosis that all hell broke loose.  On top of my health issues,  I also found out my marriage was officially over. It honestly had been for years, but the timing on his part to leave during this traumatic event was devastating, to put it mildly.  I put my big girl panties on and took life one day at a time.  I needed multiple surgeries and tests in the next few weeks. I had so many things to get in order. I owned my own photography studio and had a full calendar for the next six months so I needed to deal with that.  My two youngest children still lived at home and were in high school.  My priorities were on surviving this and providing for them.  So many thoughts were bouncing around in my head at times it was maddening.  There was much to consider, and it quickly became overwhelming.  Dealing with the health issues and cancer was awful enough.  Adding the stress of divorce, and the unknowns that alone presented; sometimes it felt impossible.

The next 2 years were a whirlwind and life changing.   As I prepared and went through my initial surgeries, I found myself feeling terrified and lonely.  Lying in bed at night, my thoughts almost swallowed me whole at times.  I turned to online friends and Facebook to quiet the fear-monster that had taken up residence in my head.  It was online that I met a man who I thought was the love of my life, but ended up being a predatory, closet-drug addicted, narcissist that turned my life completely upside down and left me financially and emotionally ruined.  Also, just prior to my main surgery, my oldest son announced I would be a grandma in the Fall!  That was a ray of hope I held onto through everything.  I couldn’t wait to experience this next phase in my life; being a grandma was something I had always looked forward to.

I had my surgery and was thrown into immediate menopause. Although I needed time to heal,  I still had so much to deal with. Because of the divorce I needed to pack up my home of 13 years and move. I ended up moving 4 times in the next 3 years.   I struggled to deal with all the changes I was going through mentally, emotionally, and physically.   I found myself changing; the same core person, but with a different view of the world after the one I had lived in was turned upside down. Unfortunately, there would be fallout in relationships I thought were untouchable.   People, whom I thought loved me as unconditionally as I did them, became strangers. They did things I never imagined they were capable of.  Everything I did, or said, was up for scrutiny.  I felt misunderstood; on trial for things I didn’t even realize were being tried. My life was being judged by this jury of people I loved, trusted, and would have given my life for.  Facebook posts about my opinions and politics were turned into accusations of misogyny, racism, and xenophobia.  I began to question and doubt myself at every turn.  Had I gone insane and in my insanity didn’t realize it? To be honest, I think I did develop temporary insanity! My life was no longer recognizable, my “partner” was nothing but and playing games with me, and I was falling apart.

It has been 3-1/2 years since my life turned upside down. Things have calmed down a bit, but I find myself struggling with my identity, my sense of self completely turned on it’s head. Relationships that I once treasured were left hanging by a thread. I have learned to forgive and move forward.  I have learned to guard my heart and shield myself because the pain of this has changed me in ways nothing else ever could.  The future I envisioned has drastically changed.  My concept of “family” right along with it.  One thing that hasn’t changed is I still believe that the only thing that truly matters in this world is love.  I may make mistakes, say inappropriate things, act like an idiot, be impulsive, or have an opinion that doesn’t agree with yours; but for the most part, I try to be a good person.  I am only human.

Like most of you, I am just trying to find my way in this world and be loved.  Our struggles and successes shape us into who we are.  If you can find people in this world who share your hopes and dreams, who lift you up when you are down, and who love you for who you are despite the ugly…then you have family.  Treasure it.  My grandsons are now the joy and love of my life. Their little souls bring me such happiness. We only have one life. Sometimes we have to accept that it may not turn out how we thought it would.  Learning to let go of illusions, staying humble, and practicing forgiveness has been key for my acceptance and growth on this journey. You won’t always have tomorrow to say what you need to say. It’s amazing how much the heart can take. they say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.  If that’s true, I am titanium.